Boris Johnson: loves bicycles, sometimes unnaturally

Boris Johnson, the mayor of London, is making a lot of noise about cycling in London as an alternative to driving. Not only is it better for the environment, he tells us, but it is quicker – and, most importantly, cheaper. By 2025, the Mayor wants to have achieved a growth in cycling of 400%, in effect meaning that five percent of all trips in London would be made by bike. If he can do this without spending any money, so much the better.

Unfortunately, cycling is not a perfect solution. Cycling in London, especially during rush hour, involves taking your life into your hands. Outside of rush hour, you must contend with heavy traffic, psychotic taxi drivers, nonchalant bus drivers, inept lorry drivers, and idiotic pedestrians. At rush hour, you have all the same problems, but with even less room to move. If even Mayor Johnson can’t get from A to B without being run over, what chance have we got?

The main problem is that London is incredibly badly set-up for cyclists. There’s nowhere to park bikes for a start. Cycle lanes – those not being used by buses – peter out before you reach anywhere that isn’t a long straight road; that is, before you get anywhere you might need a cycle lane. And then you’ve got your fellow cyclists to contend with. None of them needed a licence to use the road, and all of them use entirely different rules. And if you break those rules, you’ll be on the receiving end of abuse that would put even Christian Bale to shame.

Cyclists in the City generally fall into three distinct categories:

The old ladies

Not always old, and certainly not always female, these cyclists pedal along on bone-shaker bicycles built out of iron and sweat. Typically, they might reach five miles an hour on a downhill stretch. The female variety tend to wear big, flowing skirts, possibly in an effort to use a parachute effect to keep their speed low. They are low risk, but that’s because a driver would probably have to use reverse gear in any effort to hit them.

The average Joes

Average Joes generally own mountain bikes and wear tracksuits, shorts or ordinary clothes while cycling. You tend to see less of them during rush hour, mostly because they possess more common sense than the other categories.

The wankers

We’ve all seen them. Clad in skin-tight Lycra on bikes that cost more than my annual rent, wankers cycle everywhere. These are the ones that are most likely to cut in front of traffic, that are most likely to knock fellow cyclists off their bikes in an effort to get ahead, that usually ignore traffic lights and pedestrian crossings. They’re a bit like BMW drivers, but missing two wheels.

My girlfriend attended a talk given by the Metropolitan police on cycling safely in London. They said:

1. Cycling on pavements can get you a £30 fine. Actually, I already knew this, mostly as a law that is only enforced when the police are bored. If you are either a mother of three from Fulham or have a really important meeting with the other sales reps, you can keep merrily ignoring this. After all, these laws are made for other people, right?
2. Cycle lanes are dangerous. Stay out of them, because apparently you are less visible to traffic when you’re in them. This, of course, wouldn’t be such a problem if drivers (a) kept the fuck out of cycle lanes and (b) bothered to look and indicate when they wanted to turn left. Amazingly, Mayor Boris wants to build new ‘super’ cycle lanes throughout London, which will obviously be of most interest for all the Chelsea tractor drivers, who will have gained another lane to overtake in.
3. More women get killed by large vehicles than men. Apparently, this is not a size thing: this is because women are more likely to follow the rules of the road – such as using cycle lanes. Men are too ignorant for this.
4. Spend at least 20% of the cost of a bike on a lock. If your bike cost £200, spend £20. If you bought an expensive racing bike, think about remortgaging, or just employ a security guard. If you belong in the ‘old lady’ category, no one’s going to steal your bike; they probably can’t even lift it.
5. Cyclists are aggressive. This is true, and comes down to several factors:
   • They’ve got to dodge insane drivers.
   • They’ve been exercising, and have a high adrenaline level.
   • They’re wankers.
6. Taxi drivers are dangerous. Which, by the way, is good advice for everyone, not just cyclists. Even if they’re not actual rapists, they’re still lethal on the road.

So there you have it. Top tip: just get the bus.

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