Archive for September, 2009
Baseball robot, powered by Awesome
September 30th, 2009 | 
Author: In the future, we won’t have to do anything.
Anything. I’ll let that sink in for a moment.
In fifty years time, we won’t have to prepare food, go to work, do our taxes, chew or remember to breathe. We’ll have robots to do it for us. And we’ll have flying cars, that we won’t have to drive because – again – robots. As a species, we will be fat and have very large thumbs. This is fact.
In the meantime, some clever Japanese people have made baseball exactly 384% more interesting by removing the humans.
Regress Australia Fair: Victoria state in morality time-lapse
Screw you guys we're off to Sydney
In The Time Traveller’s Wife, the protagonist keeps losing children as they teleport in and out of her womb before she can carry them to term.
Her strict Catholic upbringing prohibits her from taking steps to minimise the damage done by repeated miscarriages. In the meantime, the time traveller, Henry, makes no effort to save her as he is repeatedly confounded in even the most innocuous fate-altering experiments.
The Australian state of Victoria has set itself apart from the free world and is intending to send all its citizens into the past in its decision to allow religious groups to discriminate based on sexual orientation or family situation.
Host your own Windows-themed parade of forced corporate tastiness!
Don't worry! Just mash Ctrl+Alt+Del twice if you're in a hurry...
Microsoft can’t be arsed to take Windows 7 to exhibitions or expos this year. Instead they encourage their beta testers to invite everyone to their house and have a Windows 7 themed party.
The hammyness is only occluded by the strained range of genders, ethnicities and age groups on display here. The idea is to gather the most unlikely bunch of “friends” on the planet, and instead of playing Ring of Fire, Spin the Bottle or Rude Guess Who? let’s exchange lessons in desktop customisation and taskbar organisation. WOOHOO SPRING BREAK!
“We’ve all had a head start” gushes the soccer-mom typecast in the promo.
“You may want to begin installing Windows 7 a few days in advance” the plaid shirt and thick-glasses clad barely palatable techie guy meaningfully warns us.
Top travel tip: go to Rome before the world ends
I just wanted an excuse to show off my awesome photo, so I wrote this article
I was in Rome last week. I’d never been on holiday before, let alone to Italy, because I’m poor and usually have to sell the cheesy nodules from between my toes just to buy food, so my girlfriend and I adamantly hauled our sweaty arses round every tourist activity we could find, checking them off one by one.
Coliseum? Check. Pantheon? Check. Eight million largely identical but incredibly pretty churches? Check. Ate a pizza? Check. Ran for our lives every time we tried to cross a road (or even go near a road, or look at a road, even through the corner of our eyes)? Check, check, check.
The Vatican? Oh, check with a cherry on top.
What happens if you look up Pixie Lott in the thesaurus?
As everyone knows my favourite genre of music is blond female vocalist. I just can’t get enough! Growing up my mother would always listen to Debbie Harry and the odd breathy rendition by Marilyn Monroe.
In my formative years Christina, Britney and Shakira owned the charts. This all contributed to my fervent hankering for the recent onslaught of pseudo-modest soulsters.
But in the last year I’ve become so overwhelmed with mid-20’s female breakthrough artists with blond hair that I can’t tell them apart! Can you help me sort Pixie Boots from Lady Duffy? What sets Duffy apart from Hilary Duff, apart from the former being a diminutive of the latter?
Crackhead dentist: valuable NHS employee
Crackhead Dentist: "So, all your teef out then, yeah? Sweeeet."
I recently discovered the joy of NHS dentistry in the UK. By that, I mean, I met Crackhead Doctor’s little brother, Crackhead Dentist. After three years of avoiding the dentist, I finally gathered the courage for a check up. The NHS website directed me to a convenient clinic by my work.
I went by, registered as an NHS patient, and booked an appointment. So far, so good. Until the visit. Since it had been three years since my last visit, I had to pay penance with 20 minutes extra scraping & drilling & the bad news of a rather large cavity.
The guy also took the piss by giving me a hygeine clean, which is a private treatment, but without informing me he was about to give me a private treatment, and then presenting me with the £50 bill. Erm, thanks buddy.
Very important announcement!
The Iwilldothatformoney team are super proud to announce the arrival of their newest member: fiery little Ogi, born Thursday 17th. Clearly in a rush to join the world, we are told Ogi took his parents by surprise!
Everybody wishes our favourite Bulgarian family all the best! Although we think Geoff is disappointed that his suggestions for names, Clive or Gordon, were not taken seriously…
Поздравления!
Freak coincidence or sneaky hustle?
Derren Brown is flummoxed
Swords are being sharpened and black masks donned as Bulgarian police prepare an investigation into the country’s lottery draw. Allegations of fraud have been flung about since last Saturday, when the 6 numbers drawn were the same as those drawn the previous week.
Eighteen people shared the win — nobody won the first time — each receiving the princely sum of 10,164 leva (4,633 GB pounds, or 10,753 NZ dollars*).
It doesn’t seem a fitting amount of moolah for what surely is the biggest, slickest, awe-inspiring lottery shakedown of all time. Even that hack Derren Brown couldn’t achieve something close to it.
Further postal delays, still no-one cares
Industrial action, also known as avoiding work
Significant delays in sending letters and parcels to the UK through the Royal Mail are happening again. While only London staff are involved in industrial action this week, there is rising fear over a looming national strike, causing mild to negligible panic among aunties and luddites.
Members of the Communications Workers Union (CWU) will ballot tomorrow in between mid-day bowls of Kellogg’s Crunchy Nut about whether to escalate their action to a national walkout.
While the details of why they are striking or if they even understand the implications of their facetious and consistent industrial actions remain unclear, one thing is certain: no-one cares.
Tags: employment, i call bullshit, ignorance, media, money, morons, opinion, royal mail, strikes | 
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The cutest but saddest thing I ever did saw
A French bulldog puppy typically vends for around £2000 according to our on-hand puppy-buying expert. This is a hell of a lot of money to pay to watch a creature writhe around on laminate flooring. Turtles are like, only a fiver.
This French bulldog is doing an impression of a turtle. His owners take pleasure in making him look stupid, whereas actually they are extremely intelligent, and in this case this gorgeous specimen is merely feigning an interest in sitting upright to appease his masters.
There is something strangely opaque about his fathomless eyes though. Remember when you used to play with marbles, the “misty” ones? I am reminded of them when I look into this dog’s eyes when he stops writhing for a rest and a breather.
Forget the negligence of the owner, one of his parents is slumped on the floor in the background. Totally. Not. Helping.
