Archive for November, 2009

They say money can’t buy happiness, but really it can if you have any imagination. However, money can’t, and never will be able to, buy class: the more money you throw around trying to surround yourself with pricey wares, the worse everything starts to look.

Middle Eastern interior design doesn’t follow trends. Instead the attitude appears to be “write a cheque and get one of everything, and then get a couple of spares, and then buy the companies that made them”.

Have you been contemplating converting your diesel motor, so that it runs on Crisp’n'Dry? This will help you come to a decision.

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“He could turn on a sixpence” goes an old and remarkably unrealistic football-related maxim. A more contemporary interpretation would go something like “he could turn on fifty grand”.

It all but knocks me out cold that Ben Haim of financially struggling Portsmouth earned something in the region of the abovementioned figure to benchwarm at Manchester City with his Nike Pro+ sweats. Meanwhile, NHS nurses fight over bean sprouts.

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Major, major scoop! Ever wondered what exactly happens to your council tax, after it has left your bank account and entered the coffers of your local authority? Well one of our sources has managed to totally thieve get hold of a very important document from the Haringey Council – their 2010 budget plans. It is with great joy that we share this with you behind the cut:

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Bonza! We’ve made it to 100 posts. Even more surprisingly, we’re still talking to each other. Over the course of the last 99 posts, we’ve learnt a lot and have come to understand a lot more about the world. And so with this in mind, we announce the first ever list of winners in the inaugural annual traditional Iwilldothatformoney Awards for Dumbasses and Numpties. Wahay!

“Lady Gaga has displayed a complete lack of depth and talent yet is bizarrely on the front page of every national newspaper while sales plummet.” – Ludraman, Judge, jury, executioner. Lady Gaga was also a finalist in the Madonna’s Wardrobe Raider of the Year award.	“I’d like to thank God, even though I don’t believe in him, so I guess I did this all on my own.” – thejamtart, winner.
“The title of this award comes from Thejamtart’s inability to say “Stumble”. Every time I promote an article, we’re bombarded by eight million people who all really hate my writing. Go figure.” – NotWelshMan, winner.	“When Joe ‘PowerBroker’ Schifano offered to write us an article back when we first started, we were thrilled. We still haven’t read it. So the research is probably really thorough.” – NotWelshMan, judge.
“We actually wanted to give this award to just one person, but couldn’t tell them apart.” – Thejamtart, judge. “It’s a tough call; they’re all so different…” – style editor for Runway	Winner: Japan Gay Picture for “Help yourself to bread” “Polite and tasty and completely unrelated to the post. Well deserved. Unanimous decision from the judging panel against some tough competition.” – judges
“I was gutted with this. I really thought my review of Tekken would win. Instead, everyone gets to read me ranting about some Australian bint who can’t figure out her emails. And in second place? The fucking fashion industry post.” – NotWelshMan, winner	Suuqin for “Most girls’ dream… a magic card” “Is it?” -Suuqin, winner.
“Made us sick up a little bit.” – Thejamtart, judge	“Can’t believe you guys still hang around here after all the crap we’ve posted.” – judges

A perfumer hard at work...

We write a lot about the stupid things people do for money, but we should also acknowledge that there are some wicked jobs out there – and perfumer is one of them. So, excuse the lack of venom for the moment, while I meander through this sensory world.

If I got to start my life over, after high school, I’d be seriously tempted to head in the direction of perfumer. Or maybe not. It takes a lot of work to get into the industry, which is very competitive, and it appears to be the kind of career path that once you’ve chosen, you don’t get off. You really have to want to be a perfumer above anything else in the world. You must be passionate, a perfectionist, patient, and most of all, persistent. Companies will require at least 3 years of training – often 7 years – before they hire a perfumer. To start with, you will need a degree in biology or chemistry (or both), before then attempting to get into a specialised perfumery school, and racking up a few years as a trainee.

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Flying a fighter jet: there's an app for that.

Ever been on a top secret mission for the US Air Force and wondered, “is there an app for this?” Well, now there is: Northrup Grumman have confirmed that they will be releasing a variety of ‘apps’ on iTunes in an effort to broaden their market.

“The combat aeronautics market has definitely had a difficult year,” Mike Hock, Northrup Grumman VP, told IWDTFM this morning, “Five years ago, we would have sold five jets already today. But now no one wants to spend money because of the recession, no matter how many signed pictures of Val Kilmer we throw in.”

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"We should make this picture a link." "Good thinking, 99."

Here’s a time waster, for all you people who have time to spare. And for everyone else, here’s a work waster:

http://shuffletime.com

The gist of it is: you get dealt a ‘card’, which represents something on the internet. They’re fun things. Some can be found on the Definitive List of The 99 Things You Should Have Already Experienced On The Internet Unless You’re a Loser or Old or Something (which is also a good place for work time wasting). You play the ‘card’ and answer a question related to it, and if you get it right, you get COINS. It’s like being at work except promotion is skill-based.

We’ll post our scores when we get some.

Have fun.

Tekken 6: great game that Namco wants you to hate

I’ve been playing Tekken since 1999. Since Tekken 3, basically.

I got very good at Tekken 3. At university, my friend and I got so good that all our other friends refused to play us. With the lack of external competition, we focussed on beating each other. We played with the fight timer off, and rounds got longer and longer and longer. When we figured out reversals… we had at least a couple of fights that lasted ten minutes or more, because neither of us could get in a good hit.

After that, Tekken Tag and Tekken 4 passed. I played them a bit, liked them. My friend didn’t so much, and it wasn’t until Tekken 5 turned up that we began regularly playing again.

Tekken 5 was a good game – a great game, even. Except for one aspect: Jinpachi. The final boss from hell. Mostly human, he had a mouth where his stomach should be that shot giant unblockable fireballs. Cheap, overpowered and painfully frustrating. I beat him once with each character to get all the endings, and then never faced him again. He wasn’t any fun.

You’d think Namco would learn. You’d think, after all the complaining about Jinpachi and about Seth from Street Fighter 4 (a Doctor Manhatten lookalike that makes Jinpachi look like the Star Wars kid), Namco would think: people don’t enjoy this.

Maybe they did think that. Maybe they want us to hate Tekken 6.

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Musician fail

I’d like to re-introduce you to a man called Fred Durst. You may remember him wearing a red cap, bleating away as the lead singer of the phenomenally awful band, Limp Bizkit. Or maybe you remember him as the man who got pwned by Britney Spears*.

Well, in the recent inaugural annual traditional “Iwilldothatformoney Awards for Dumbasses and Numpties”, we bestowed upon Mr Durst the honour of Worst Ever Guitar Solo Ever.

An honorary achievement award was also given out to every member of the audience who had actually paid money to hear it.

You can watch his stunning effort to single-handedly destroy the eardrums of 1,258 people behind the cut.

Warning: this video might make you vomit a little bit in your mouth.

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