I bought my shiny, shiny teeth with the money of fools.

Imagine putting “self help guru” when you have to enter your job title on a form. How embarrassing would that be?

Self help gurus are widely lampooned in the mass media, often depicted as deranged, criminal, sad, pathetic, or all of the above. Some of my personal favourites are:

• Greg Kinnear as Richard Hoover in Little Miss Sunshine, a desperate, clutching man whose pathetic quotes fail to inspire his small, yawning audience.
• Patrick Swayze as Jim Cunningham in Donnie Darko, a seedy and despicable man.
• Tom Cruise as Frank T.J. Mackey in Magnolia, see above.

It’s only if you’re Tony Robbins that the job actually rocks…

The original man from where all self help guru stereotypes sprang, he is this monster of magnetism, a giant-handed guiding spirit with a voice that sounds like tumbling rocks and a huge toothy smile, a closet full of tight black t-shirts and ‘auto-grin’ on speed dial. He is such a stereotype that sometimes I doubt if he is actually a real human being. (I think his photo was depicted in that scene in Men in Black, you know the one which shows a whole bunch of famous people who are supposedly ‘known aliens’?)

It’s possible that the man is formed solely of pure molecules of charisma.

He must have some kind of weird brain zappy laser power at least, to convince so many random people to fork over loads of their hard earned cash in return for cassette tapes they can play at night, and listen to the soothing gravelly tones of Tony telling them they’re okay. They’re okay. They’re worth it. A L’Oreal ad repackaged as a personal development coaching tool. Overcoming your fears by paying a shitload of money for such pithy insights such as:

“Take control of your consistent emotions and begin to consciously and deliberately reshape your daily experience of life.”

“The path to success is to take massive, determined action.”

“How am I going to live today in order to create the tomorrow I’m committed to?”

How much do you reckon those statements are worth? A couple of bucks? You could probably buy one or two from the homeless guy on the corner, if you really wanted to pay something… or you could just sit down and have a think yourself about, well, what is the path to success? Gee whiz, do you think maybe it’s watching telly and eating takeaways?

Breathe the same air as Tony for only five hundred bucks

Or you can attend one of Tony’s seminars to see him in person, stalking the stage like a man-shaped tiger looking for prey, getting you chant along with him as he convinces you to love him and believe him. An authentic cult experience, for just a few bucks.

“Unleash the Power Within” is all about ‘empowering’ and ‘achieving ultimate goals’. General plebs can attend for the minimum price of $600, but true worshippers can demonstrate their devotion by forking out $2600 for automatic numpty status, which includes front row seats and proving their adoration by walking through burning hot coals.

More serious cult members can attend “Date With Destiny” which is only for “those who demand the most out of life”, and will set you back the paltry sum of $5000. During the entire weeklong seminar, you’ll learn such things as:

• How to train yourself to feel good
• The power of incantations
• How to set goals

When you get back from this life-changing experience, you’ll know your true destiny. OMG guys!! That’s, like, pretty cool. And you’ll be really, really good at leaving yourself little post-it notes round the house: “i AM beautiful” on the hallway mirror, “i AM NOT fat” on the bathroom scales, and “you are a strong, independent, empowered woman; ‘loneliness’ is just a word” on the back of the phone so you don’t call your ex during a drunken moment of weakness.

Seriously, the dude is awesome. Just watching a few of his clips and reading his website, I almost forked over my entire salary for the full Extraordinary Life Business Mastery Fulfil Your Destiny Unleash the Power Within Package. I stopped myself just in time. Because what does Tony Robbins really sell you? Common sense, wrapped up in a pretty, charismatic ribbon.