Posts Tagged ‘dumbasses’

They say money can’t buy happiness, but really it can if you have any imagination. However, money can’t, and never will be able to, buy class: the more money you throw around trying to surround yourself with pricey wares, the worse everything starts to look.

Middle Eastern interior design doesn’t follow trends. Instead the attitude appears to be “write a cheque and get one of everything, and then get a couple of spares, and then buy the companies that made them”.

Have you been contemplating converting your diesel motor, so that it runs on Crisp’n'Dry? This will help you come to a decision.

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Bonza! We’ve made it to 100 posts. Even more surprisingly, we’re still talking to each other. Over the course of the last 99 posts, we’ve learnt a lot and have come to understand a lot more about the world. And so with this in mind, we announce the first ever list of winners in the inaugural annual traditional Iwilldothatformoney Awards for Dumbasses and Numpties. Wahay!

“Lady Gaga has displayed a complete lack of depth and talent yet is bizarrely on the front page of every national newspaper while sales plummet.” – Ludraman, Judge, jury, executioner. Lady Gaga was also a finalist in the Madonna’s Wardrobe Raider of the Year award.	“I’d like to thank God, even though I don’t believe in him, so I guess I did this all on my own.” – thejamtart, winner.
“The title of this award comes from Thejamtart’s inability to say “Stumble”. Every time I promote an article, we’re bombarded by eight million people who all really hate my writing. Go figure.” – NotWelshMan, winner.	“When Joe ‘PowerBroker’ Schifano offered to write us an article back when we first started, we were thrilled. We still haven’t read it. So the research is probably really thorough.” – NotWelshMan, judge.
“We actually wanted to give this award to just one person, but couldn’t tell them apart.” – Thejamtart, judge. “It’s a tough call; they’re all so different…” – style editor for Runway	Winner: Japan Gay Picture for “Help yourself to bread” “Polite and tasty and completely unrelated to the post. Well deserved. Unanimous decision from the judging panel against some tough competition.” – judges
“I was gutted with this. I really thought my review of Tekken would win. Instead, everyone gets to read me ranting about some Australian bint who can’t figure out her emails. And in second place? The fucking fashion industry post.” – NotWelshMan, winner	Suuqin for “Most girls’ dream… a magic card” “Is it?” -Suuqin, winner.
“Made us sick up a little bit.” – Thejamtart, judge	“Can’t believe you guys still hang around here after all the crap we’ve posted.” – judges

I was meant to write a blog post today, but I didn’t. I started one, but I didn’t finish it. It was going to be about the really annoying boss in the new Tekken game. I hate him.

I didn’t finish the post because I was playing Tekken last night. Sorry. I might write it later this week. Maybe tomorrow, but I doubt it because I want to play Tekken some more.

For now, here’s a video. Watch to find out why I usually unplug my headset if I’m online with the Xbox.

Update: I finally wrote the Tekken article. Read it here…

It even scrubbed all the serifs off the text!

To get the most out of your portable USB drive, leave it in your jeans and throw it in for the wash. Afterwards you’ll not only be able to use heiroglyphics in filenames, but its capacity will have increased to 26.2GB.

This works as well as ever and the bidding starts at £50. I will pay postage.

Bidding closes 5:30 pm on Friday 9 October 2009.

Please enter your bid in the comments field below.

Screw you guys we're off to Sydney

In The Time Traveller’s Wife, the protagonist keeps losing children as they teleport in and out of her womb before she can carry them to term.

Her strict Catholic upbringing prohibits her from taking steps to minimise the damage done by repeated miscarriages. In the meantime, the time traveller, Henry, makes no effort to save her as he is repeatedly confounded in even the most innocuous fate-altering experiments.

The Australian state of Victoria has set itself apart from the free world and is intending to send all its citizens into the past in its decision to allow religious groups to discriminate based on sexual orientation or family situation.

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Don't worry! Just mash Ctrl+Alt+Del twice if you're in a hurry...

Microsoft can’t be arsed to take Windows 7 to exhibitions or expos this year. Instead they encourage their beta testers to invite everyone to their house and have a Windows 7 themed party.

The hammyness is only occluded by the strained range of genders, ethnicities and age groups on display here. The idea is to gather the most unlikely bunch of “friends” on the planet, and instead of playing Ring of Fire, Spin the Bottle or Rude Guess Who? let’s exchange lessons in desktop customisation and taskbar organisation. WOOHOO SPRING BREAK!

“We’ve all had a head start” gushes the soccer-mom typecast in the promo.

“You may want to begin installing Windows 7 a few days in advance” the plaid shirt and thick-glasses clad barely palatable techie guy meaningfully warns us.

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In honour of it being a super ohmygosh boring Wednesday*, here is something to make you laugh in a burst of wicked schadenfreude. This is a numpty who was clearly inspired by those ultimate-mega-numpties-to-rule-all-numpties on Jackass….

Oh, you noticed this wasn’t anything related to money? Erm. “Hey, I wouldn’t pay a guy to do this.” There we go.

* In fact, it is even a Thursday, which proves my point.

Get your Guevara novelty licence from the King of Swords amd pretend you're a tyrannical despot! HAHA! Cool! Do these kids think he's some kind of classic old cartoon character worthy of praise? Christ.

The image of massive fascist Ernesto Ché Guevara is absolutely fucking everywhere. A million t-shirts depicting him are sold in Camden every second, typically to the kind of grungy kid who stands around smoking and looking moody. I posit that they know little to nothing of this man’s life and works. These kids are probably alienated by their peers for being honest, tolerant and non-judgmental.

Now it’s 2009, and his visage is a global insignia, representing counter-culture and rebellion and is reproduced in many, if not all media.

But what about all the other shit he got up to, like stringing up gays?

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Only a truly self-righteous prick would want everything they own to be red.

Bono is widely accredited with being smug, arrogant and self-righteous. Not content with this public stance he continually goes on to prove everyone right by using the plight of the third world as a marketing outlet.

Project Red customises popular wares with a unique red fascia. Phones, iPods, t-shirts and what have you all come in red so that people just as bare-faced can simultaneously accessorise and brag about their tireless charitable efforts.

Purchasing the Motorola Red phone sends £10 straight to the Global Fund to Fight AIDS, and £130 to Motorola. I daren’t suggest what proportion of this went to the Global Fund to Kit Bono out with a Limitless Collection of Ostentatious Commodities (GFKBLCOC).

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El futuro del journalismo: copio y pasto!

I have, as we all know, great respect for journalists. In the UK, journalism is a singularly snobby and inbred profession, filled with cantankerous buffoons who earn too much money for too much opinion, which ensures we receive nothing but the highest quality of reporting and commentary.

The internet has proved a massive boon for these bastions of bollocks, as now all they have to do is cut and paste any old twaddle and suddenly they have a news story, such as this famous little gem that appeared in several of the London freebies and the Private Eye last month. Fact checking? Pah! Fact checking is for pussies.

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