Posts Tagged ‘fitness’

Omg! There are, like, soo many buttons! This is soo hard.

I’m thinking about starting up a gym. It’s a can’t-lose business! I got the idea after talking to an employee at the gym I currently go to, who told me they never have even 2% of total members there at one time.

“Holy shit!” I said, looking around, and proceeded to do some slow, clunky arithmetic in my brain, “That means this gym is making a squajillion pounds every month!”

“Something like that,” said the gym bunny, nodding his pretty little head.

It’s a brilliant scheme and I don’t know why I didn’t come up with it sooner. Because here’s the thing, the beautiful thing — the one, undeniable truth: people hate looking fat but they also hate going to the gym.

All you need to do is suck them in when they’re feeling like crap, then gently encourage them to stay away after that. You probably want to draw the suckers back in every now and then — a gratis training session, perhaps, or a couple of free spin classes — just so they feel like, maybe one day, they might start coming back regularly and so keep renewing their memberships. In the meantime, you pillage their bank account every month for a princely sum — the exact price of their body image shame.

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Soon to be introduced to London buses and other forms of transport…Way to go!