Posts Tagged ‘hate’

It's over, I'm sorry. It's not me. It's you.

Because I have an iPod, I use iTunes on my computer. And it regularly pisses me off, to the point where I’m giving up on it.

I mean, doesn’t Apple have a reputation for creating user-friendly stuff that’s free of bugs when they release it to the public? Where does that reputation come from? Because it sure isn’t from iTunes.

Here are all the stupid things it does to me…

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Rage against the X-Factor

The latest batch of manufactured X-Factor pop-a-nonnies are trundling inevitably closer to the turgid, overcooked and overhyped grande finale. I’ve been lucky enough to avoid a lot of television recently, so have escaped the show’s grasping and vampiric embrace of my brain. Yes. I have not been sucked in.

I thought I might expound on my disbelief at the 2009 crop of finalists – seriously, I just don’t get Jedward, but I’ve realised it’s useless. Anybody who has not joined the cult cannot understand its inner workings. It’s probably like how, to Scientologists, it’s completely awesome that they have little aliens living inside them but to anybody else, it’s insane.

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Tekken 6: great game that Namco wants you to hate

I’ve been playing Tekken since 1999. Since Tekken 3, basically.

I got very good at Tekken 3. At university, my friend and I got so good that all our other friends refused to play us. With the lack of external competition, we focussed on beating each other. We played with the fight timer off, and rounds got longer and longer and longer. When we figured out reversals… we had at least a couple of fights that lasted ten minutes or more, because neither of us could get in a good hit.

After that, Tekken Tag and Tekken 4 passed. I played them a bit, liked them. My friend didn’t so much, and it wasn’t until Tekken 5 turned up that we began regularly playing again.

Tekken 5 was a good game – a great game, even. Except for one aspect: Jinpachi. The final boss from hell. Mostly human, he had a mouth where his stomach should be that shot giant unblockable fireballs. Cheap, overpowered and painfully frustrating. I beat him once with each character to get all the endings, and then never faced him again. He wasn’t any fun.

You’d think Namco would learn. You’d think, after all the complaining about Jinpachi and about Seth from Street Fighter 4 (a Doctor Manhatten lookalike that makes Jinpachi look like the Star Wars kid), Namco would think: people don’t enjoy this.

Maybe they did think that. Maybe they want us to hate Tekken 6.

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Crackhead Dentist: we hate you. We all hate you.

Better for me if I could close my eyes
And dream of imps perched tight on your shoulder,
Cackling loud as you excavate my mouth
And pull and rip and grate and burn my gums.

Instead, my eyes are open wide with pain
As you simper and calm with platitudes,
Bright and breezy in your sterile domain
That plays muzak that kills the man in me.

Tell me: what do you expect me to say,
You fuck, when I’m drooling all on your floor?
How can you sleep, you fuck, so sound at night
Hearing my screams and with your bloody hands?

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