Posts Tagged ‘infomercial’

I bought my shiny, shiny teeth with the money of fools.

Imagine putting “self help guru” when you have to enter your job title on a form. How embarrassing would that be?

Self help gurus are widely lampooned in the mass media, often depicted as deranged, criminal, sad, pathetic, or all of the above. Some of my personal favourites are:

• Greg Kinnear as Richard Hoover in Little Miss Sunshine, a desperate, clutching man whose pathetic quotes fail to inspire his small, yawning audience.
• Patrick Swayze as Jim Cunningham in Donnie Darko, a seedy and despicable man.
• Tom Cruise as Frank T.J. Mackey in Magnolia, see above.

It’s only if you’re Tony Robbins that the job actually rocks…

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El futuro del journalismo: copio y pasto!

I have, as we all know, great respect for journalists. In the UK, journalism is a singularly snobby and inbred profession, filled with cantankerous buffoons who earn too much money for too much opinion, which ensures we receive nothing but the highest quality of reporting and commentary.

The internet has proved a massive boon for these bastions of bollocks, as now all they have to do is cut and paste any old twaddle and suddenly they have a news story, such as this famous little gem that appeared in several of the London freebies and the Private Eye last month. Fact checking? Pah! Fact checking is for pussies.

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Does your fat face need a work out? Then we have the product for you – the Facial Flex! You’re just 4 minutes and thirty bucks away from looking like… Marilyn Manson!

Marilyn Manson is an ardent user of the Facial Flex

“You can do it while you’re doing something else. You can watch television, walk the dog…,” says the host, Tommy. (Imagine if you saw your neighbour walk past with that in their mouth)

“Even if I don’t see anything yet, I know there’s something happening…,” says Susie, the caller-in. She sounds enthused.

“I know you’re looking at us doing it, and you’re going, does that really work?” says another host, Lisa. Very perceptive. It’s like she can actually see me through the TV.

Later, she adds: “Now if your New Year resolution includes working out, why aren’t you working out your face?”

Well, that’s a really good question, Lisa…

Rejuvenique Electric Facial Mask: another godawful infomercial from the vaults!

Available now from all bad bookstores

The internet is a marvel. Since its incarnation as a tool to enable research to be shared between universities, it has grown so much. It is now an interactive platform capable of enabling myriad arseholes an outlet for their barely coherent and almost always misinformed outbursts under the guise of “Having your say”.

Anyone who has used the internet to share their opinion, ever, will be familiar with the kind of ignorant nonsense that some folk consider to be worthy of voicing. Go to a news site, or forum, anywhere, and scroll down to below the story. Read the first comment from “NRA_4EVA” – see?

When YouTube was first launched I fully expected it to turn into a catalog of near death experiences captured by dim-witted American college kids, yearning to imitate their Jackass heroes. For a while I was right. Then the corporations found out they could “leverage” sales out of “viral” marketing yada yada yada.

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Soon to be introduced to London buses and other forms of transport…Way to go!