Posts Tagged ‘mommy where did i come from?’

As this chart not-so-clearly illustrates, the Sun will ascend into the tropic of Ubiquity around this time in 3 years. We will fly into the black hole at the centre of the galaxy, which will crush us down to less than the size of a satsuma. The whole process will take about two hours, twenty minutes.

Everyone loves a happy ending. Just yesterday, researchers unveiled that the end of makeshift cancer treatments is in sight. And on Friday 18 December 2009, Terry Wogan’s reign of breakfast radio terror came to an end as he was overthrown by employment law and common sense.

Oh, what’s that? Some people love peril and confusion to dominate the human psyche? One such person is Roland Emmerich?

Update: most cinema goers have a hard on for disaster.

Thejamtart saw 2012 ages ago, and although the plot, script, cast and premise left much to be desired she recommended it for a December cinema outing. Having seen a trailer for 2012, I was enthralled by the prospect of seeing (in modern cinema crikey-vision™ no less) the dome of the Sistine Chapel steamroll over a bunch of Catholics on Saint Peter’s square holding a doomed vigil, including a fictional Italian president. Reduced to the heretic subatomic particles of which they so readily and vehemently discredit the existence, I can’t help but guffaw at the irony like an inexcusable expenses-claiming Labour MP.

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I was meant to write a blog post today, but I didn’t. I started one, but I didn’t finish it. It was going to be about the really annoying boss in the new Tekken game. I hate him.

I didn’t finish the post because I was playing Tekken last night. Sorry. I might write it later this week. Maybe tomorrow, but I doubt it because I want to play Tekken some more.

For now, here’s a video. Watch to find out why I usually unplug my headset if I’m online with the Xbox.

Update: I finally wrote the Tekken article. Read it here…

It even scrubbed all the serifs off the text!

To get the most out of your portable USB drive, leave it in your jeans and throw it in for the wash. Afterwards you’ll not only be able to use heiroglyphics in filenames, but its capacity will have increased to 26.2GB.

This works as well as ever and the bidding starts at £50. I will pay postage.

Bidding closes 5:30 pm on Friday 9 October 2009.

Please enter your bid in the comments field below.

Screw you guys we're off to Sydney

In The Time Traveller’s Wife, the protagonist keeps losing children as they teleport in and out of her womb before she can carry them to term.

Her strict Catholic upbringing prohibits her from taking steps to minimise the damage done by repeated miscarriages. In the meantime, the time traveller, Henry, makes no effort to save her as he is repeatedly confounded in even the most innocuous fate-altering experiments.

The Australian state of Victoria has set itself apart from the free world and is intending to send all its citizens into the past in its decision to allow religious groups to discriminate based on sexual orientation or family situation.

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The Iwilldothatformoney team are super proud to announce the arrival of their newest member: fiery little Ogi, born Thursday 17th. Clearly in a rush to join the world, we are told Ogi took his parents by surprise!

Everybody wishes our favourite Bulgarian family all the best! Although we think Geoff is disappointed that his suggestions for names, Clive or Gordon, were not taken seriously…

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A French bulldog puppy typically vends for around £2000 according to our on-hand puppy-buying expert. This is a hell of a lot of money to pay to watch a creature writhe around on laminate flooring. Turtles are like, only a fiver.

This French bulldog is doing an impression of a turtle. His owners take pleasure in making him look stupid, whereas actually they are extremely intelligent, and in this case this gorgeous specimen is merely feigning an interest in sitting upright to appease his masters.

There is something strangely opaque about his fathomless eyes though. Remember when you used to play with marbles, the “misty” ones? I am reminded of them when I look into this dog’s eyes when he stops writhing for a rest and a breather.

Forget the negligence of the owner, one of his parents is slumped on the floor in the background. Totally. Not. Helping.

Get your Guevara novelty licence from the King of Swords amd pretend you're a tyrannical despot! HAHA! Cool! Do these kids think he's some kind of classic old cartoon character worthy of praise? Christ.

The image of massive fascist Ernesto Ché Guevara is absolutely fucking everywhere. A million t-shirts depicting him are sold in Camden every second, typically to the kind of grungy kid who stands around smoking and looking moody. I posit that they know little to nothing of this man’s life and works. These kids are probably alienated by their peers for being honest, tolerant and non-judgmental.

Now it’s 2009, and his visage is a global insignia, representing counter-culture and rebellion and is reproduced in many, if not all media.

But what about all the other shit he got up to, like stringing up gays?

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Nelly: revered even though he deserves nothing but contempt

Don’t you just love the system? It has taken Rupert Murdoch and his equally odious contemporaries just a hundred years to mould the economy so that everyone’s money goes to him.

Gone is the traditional type of capitalism where everyone worked hard for a salary they genuinely deserved. Spend what you need and accrue some savings along the way? Out the window with it. Instead, we have a system where saving is pointless unless you earn megabucks, and wanton spending is encouraged, if not passively enforced.

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Ignore the facts, the police chief knows all.

People in Essex have more chance of winning the Lotto than being mugged, police authority chief Robert Chambers claims. However, the data available from Camelot and Essex Police websites tell a different story.

Mr Chambers insisted that his statement was ‘fact’. “You are more likely to win the lottery than you are to get mugged in Essex,” he said, “That’s a fact.”

Figures on the force website record 276 robberies in Essex between the start of April this year and the end of June; the monthly average is shown to be 92 muggings throughout the county.

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Not a good look, but it suits him.

Western capitalism is a well-maintained perpetual motion machine. Its various cogs and gears are oiled regularly with the blood and tears of the workforce. However, the machine requires maintenance, and parts must be replaced or cleaned.

And then there are parts that don’t do anything at all: the gall bladders of machinery. They might not be moving parts or they might perform an auxiliary role in the whole system, but their mere presence at a reduced or non-existent level of functionality means other parts must work harder and faster to compensate.

Freegans are the ultimate example of this. They smugly condemn us rat-racers as crazy. These people freely admit to finding nourishment in the discarded produce of society.

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