Posts Tagged ‘morons’

They say money can’t buy happiness, but really it can if you have any imagination. However, money can’t, and never will be able to, buy class: the more money you throw around trying to surround yourself with pricey wares, the worse everything starts to look.

Middle Eastern interior design doesn’t follow trends. Instead the attitude appears to be “write a cheque and get one of everything, and then get a couple of spares, and then buy the companies that made them”.

Have you been contemplating converting your diesel motor, so that it runs on Crisp’n'Dry? This will help you come to a decision.

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“He could turn on a sixpence” goes an old and remarkably unrealistic football-related maxim. A more contemporary interpretation would go something like “he could turn on fifty grand”.

It all but knocks me out cold that Ben Haim of financially struggling Portsmouth earned something in the region of the abovementioned figure to benchwarm at Manchester City with his Nike Pro+ sweats. Meanwhile, NHS nurses fight over bean sprouts.

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I was meant to write a blog post today, but I didn’t. I started one, but I didn’t finish it. It was going to be about the really annoying boss in the new Tekken game. I hate him.

I didn’t finish the post because I was playing Tekken last night. Sorry. I might write it later this week. Maybe tomorrow, but I doubt it because I want to play Tekken some more.

For now, here’s a video. Watch to find out why I usually unplug my headset if I’m online with the Xbox.

Update: I finally wrote the Tekken article. Read it here…

It even scrubbed all the serifs off the text!

To get the most out of your portable USB drive, leave it in your jeans and throw it in for the wash. Afterwards you’ll not only be able to use heiroglyphics in filenames, but its capacity will have increased to 26.2GB.

This works as well as ever and the bidding starts at £50. I will pay postage.

Bidding closes 5:30 pm on Friday 9 October 2009.

Please enter your bid in the comments field below.

Screw you guys we're off to Sydney

In The Time Traveller’s Wife, the protagonist keeps losing children as they teleport in and out of her womb before she can carry them to term.

Her strict Catholic upbringing prohibits her from taking steps to minimise the damage done by repeated miscarriages. In the meantime, the time traveller, Henry, makes no effort to save her as he is repeatedly confounded in even the most innocuous fate-altering experiments.

The Australian state of Victoria has set itself apart from the free world and is intending to send all its citizens into the past in its decision to allow religious groups to discriminate based on sexual orientation or family situation.

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Don't worry! Just mash Ctrl+Alt+Del twice if you're in a hurry...

Microsoft can’t be arsed to take Windows 7 to exhibitions or expos this year. Instead they encourage their beta testers to invite everyone to their house and have a Windows 7 themed party.

The hammyness is only occluded by the strained range of genders, ethnicities and age groups on display here. The idea is to gather the most unlikely bunch of “friends” on the planet, and instead of playing Ring of Fire, Spin the Bottle or Rude Guess Who? let’s exchange lessons in desktop customisation and taskbar organisation. WOOHOO SPRING BREAK!

“We’ve all had a head start” gushes the soccer-mom typecast in the promo.

“You may want to begin installing Windows 7 a few days in advance” the plaid shirt and thick-glasses clad barely palatable techie guy meaningfully warns us.

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Industrial action, also known as avoiding work

Significant delays in sending letters and parcels to the UK through the Royal Mail are happening again. While only London staff are involved in industrial action this week, there is rising fear over a looming national strike, causing mild to negligible panic among aunties and luddites.

Members of the Communications Workers Union (CWU) will ballot tomorrow in between mid-day bowls of Kellogg’s Crunchy Nut about whether to escalate their action to a national walkout.

While the details of why they are striking or if they even understand the implications of their facetious and consistent industrial actions remain unclear, one thing is certain: no-one cares.

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In honour of it being a super ohmygosh boring Wednesday*, here is something to make you laugh in a burst of wicked schadenfreude. This is a numpty who was clearly inspired by those ultimate-mega-numpties-to-rule-all-numpties on Jackass….

Oh, you noticed this wasn’t anything related to money? Erm. “Hey, I wouldn’t pay a guy to do this.” There we go.

* In fact, it is even a Thursday, which proves my point.

Twitter bird finally giving up the ghost

The whole developed world is in the grip of #TwitterMania – even the interred are getting in on the action.

The bizarre movement of providing a global audience with a play-by-play of  sordid exploits began life as a medium of communication for lazy bloggers and self-important narcissists three years ago. Some purport that its name is an acronym for the unnatural phrase “text (of) what I’m thinking toward everyone reading”. This is unconfirmed by the bastard who created the damn thing, Jack Dorsey.

@somepointmid2008 the corporations got their sleazy mitts on it and turned it into an advertising medium more sinister and asinine than TV – something I never thought possible.

Now, with a new and inevitably bleaker decade approaching, and with nearly all the good old celebs dead, metaphysical brainfarts from our loved and lost idols are beamed in from both realms of the afterlife, lest we should miss out on a single minute of the infernal quandary or unbridled paradise of famous souls milling about waiting for The Final Judgement.

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Get your Guevara novelty licence from the King of Swords amd pretend you're a tyrannical despot! HAHA! Cool! Do these kids think he's some kind of classic old cartoon character worthy of praise? Christ.

The image of massive fascist Ernesto Ché Guevara is absolutely fucking everywhere. A million t-shirts depicting him are sold in Camden every second, typically to the kind of grungy kid who stands around smoking and looking moody. I posit that they know little to nothing of this man’s life and works. These kids are probably alienated by their peers for being honest, tolerant and non-judgmental.

Now it’s 2009, and his visage is a global insignia, representing counter-culture and rebellion and is reproduced in many, if not all media.

But what about all the other shit he got up to, like stringing up gays?

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